Is today any different? No. Kids are still using words that shock and dismay us. The only difference may be that they are starting earlier and using a fuller assortment of “swear” words.

Children use foul language for a variety of reasons- when angry, to show off with peers, for shock value, when copying an older child or an adult, or because they do not know that the word or phrase is unacceptable. Whatever the reason, foul language needs to be dealt with in a thoughtful and consistent way.

Just as with any unacceptable behavior, it is best to have a plan that is both kind and effective. Never assume a motive for the use of a “cuss” word. Your child may not even know what the offending word means or implies! Take some time to figure out if your child is using the word with understanding, or because he or she has heard it on the playground or from some other source such as music, television or a movie.

Preschool

Young children are acutely aware of the energy behind words and how they are used. Preschoolers may not yet be able to distinguish right use from wrong, but they are able to see and feel the response evoked by the use of certain words in their environment. If they hear grownups use foul language, they will likely repeat it when the occasion calls for it.

First and most importantly, monitor your own use of objectionable words. If you have a habit of swearing when you are surprised, hurt or angry, make a decision to drop those words from your vocabulary. If grandparents, aunts, uncles, or care providers are careless with their speech, ask them to please refrain from cursing around your little one. Most adults will comply.

Children are exposed to coarse language when the television, radio or videos are on, even as background noise. What we take for granted on popular TV shows and in popular music lyrics as being okay, is many times the source of bad language for our children.

If your child uses an objectionable word or phrase at this age, simply say, “Some people use that word, but we do not.” Then suggest a substitute word that speaks to the emotion attached to the cuss word, like “darn” or “Meanie” or “Wow!” At this age your calm and matter of fact response will serve the situation better than an emotionally-charged and dramatic one.

It is very hard to insulate your child completely from foul language. Having an age-appropriate strategy that both Mom and Dad agree on will be helpful.

Main points to address:

• Monitor your own language. You hold the greatest influence over your little one.
• Television, videos, movies and music are common sources of objectionable words.
• Your child may not know exactly what he is saying. Simply state your objection and suggest a substitute phrase.

Grades K-3rd

Young school age children work and play alongside children who may be raised differently than they. Language is the major mode of cultural expression. What may be acceptable or expected in one family may be offensive in another. If your child comes home with some new words, don’t be surprised- but do be ready!

A first time use of a swear word provides an opportunity for gentle correction. Laying down the law at this point may backfire, causing defiant and persistent use of the word or phrase. Also- do not laugh if you can help it. This may confuse the issue and cause a repeat performance.

Until your child is eight or nine years old, they will not know for sure which words are clearly right or wrong. Your job is to provide the basis for their developing judgment. If a teacher reports the use of swear words, discuss the specific context the word was used in and help your child come up with an alternative to using unacceptable language. If the problem is persistent, a reasonable age-appropriate consequence, determined ahead of time, could be imposed.

Keep in mind that trying out “power” language is normal and pretty much universal. Your child will eventually drop the word or words if he or she does not hear it at home and reasonable consequences are consistently administered.

Main Points to address:

• School provides a new context for language acquisition, including objectionable language.
• Respond calmly but firmly. Resist any urge to laugh. Apply reasonable consequences for repeat offenses.
• Children are not clear about right and wrong use of language until age eight or nine. It’s up to you to teach them.

Grades 4-6th

Older school age children are able to distinguish between acceptable and unacceptable speech. Knowing this may cause you to anger or become discouraged with your child. Resist the urge to over-react. Instead, look into the reason or reasons behind the use of offensive language. Is she frustrated? Is he succumbing to peer pressure? Is anger an emotion he or she has difficulty expressing? Knowing the reason behind the swearing will likely give you the right approach to the problem.

Continue to make your boundaries clear while helping your child to problem-solve. If your child seems determined to retain certain words in his speech, you may want to compromise by limiting when and where he or she speaks the word. Specify places and occasions where foul language is absolutely not acceptable, such as in school and other public places and around younger siblings. If they will accept an alternate phrase or word to express their feelings, so much the better. Meanwhile, try to effectively deal with the underlying problem if indeed there is one.

Objectionable language should fade out around this time, but may emerge later in the teen years. If swearing seems to be part of a larger pattern of defiance, you may want to get professional help.

But for most children this age, your explanation that words have the power to hurt or heal, to lift up or tear down, and that foul language causes hurt and confusion will be enough. Telling them that a person is often judged by their manner of speech and the degree of respect it reflects or lacks may help them understand why this area of personal conduct is so important.

Controlling speech is an important form of self-control, and as with any area of personal growth and character development, it is a process, often involving trying out and modifying behavior.

Your child will likely grow up to be reasonable in speech and manner if they have had your good example to model after and your guidance to lean on.

Main points to address:

• If older children continue to swear, this may be a sign that their heart is troubled in some way.
• Specify places and situations where foul language is absolutely not to be used.
• Controlling speech is an important part of character development. It is a process! Kids may try out swearing, later forsaking it.
• Your example remains the single most influential factor.

Resources

Resources that can help you in your venture include:

• Cuss Control Academy: Website and book http://www.helium.com/items/893921-dealing-with-children-using-foul-language
• Helium: Series of 9 articles for parents on the subject http://www.helium.com/items/893921-dealing-with-children-using-foul-language
• Rethinking Schools: “Use Another Word” campaign (for parents of older students) http://www.rethinkingschools.org/archive/21_03/word213.shtml

Some people are born “appreciators”. They see the world at its essence- the beauty of a sunset, the fragile green of a leaf, the boundless energy of a small child. Others must be helped to learn to see the beauty and wonder in the world.

Gratitude is one form of appreciation that is easier to express. Thankfulness is part of our religious and cultural heritage and the antidote to selfishness and complaining. It can come in the form of praise, recognition or humility.

Another form of appreciation is respect toward someone or something valued. In relationships this translates as care, concern, fair treatment and courtesy.

Teaching your child to appreciate starts at birth with your loving regard toward him or her and continues throughout the life of your relationship. As they observe the way you view and deal with people, things, and situations, they will no doubt learn to appreciate also.

Preschool

Nature is a major doorway to appreciation. The unarguable beauty and power encountered in natural places inspires a young child’s appreciation. The sound of a bird in the tree overhead, the rustling grass as the wind passes by, a butterfly lighting briefly on a blossom- all are breathlessly beautiful and awe-inspiring!

Take frequent forays into wild places. Let your child experience the wonders of nature through their senses. Walk through well-tended gardens and notice the colors, shapes and smells you encounter. They will see your obvious pleasure and join you in your appreciation. Share what you’ve experienced later by reviewing the experience.

Care is an important aspect of appreciation. Help your child take care of their things. Teach them to respect their belongings and the property of others. Demonstrate an attitude of thankfulness for what you have and for your life together. Prayer, celebrations and shared reflection are simple ways to express your gratitude.

Affection is a powerful way to express appreciation. Hugs, kisses and loving words show your child how much you value him and others. Simple thank-yous given often and sincerely introduce your child to the graciousness of appreciation. There is no more powerful teacher than your own example!

Main points to address:

• Being close to nature brings out appreciative feelings, as this activates the heart. This is accomplished through the senses.
• Teach your child how to care for and respect their belongings.
• Show thankfulness with prayer, celebrations and simple reflection.
• Hugs, kisses and loving words are powerful expressions of appreciation. Use them often along with sincere thank-yous.

Grades K-3rd

Young school age children are strongly influenced by those outside the home. They may encounter those who lack appreciation and respect for people and property. You will need to counter this by continuing to deliberately teach and demonstrate appreciation.

One fun way to do this is to create a “Thankfulness Tree”. Using construction paper, or a cardboard tube, make a “trunk” for your tree. Cut out colorful leaves and have each family member write something they are thankful for on them. Each week add another set of leaves to the tree. Take time afterward to re-read the leaves. You’ll be surprised what your family will come up with!

Keeping a family journal, perhaps alongside a photo album or scrapbook, can provide a running record of gratitude. Take time every month to update events or developments that have inspired thankfulness. Encourage but don’t require participation each time, but know your contributions are setting a standard they will internalize.

Use holidays as opportunities to show appreciation for what you have, for each other, and for what you’ve experienced over the year. Your child will develop an appreciation for the “seasons of life” in this way. Sometimes an event such as illness, death or other tragedy can later viewed as a blessing.

Openly thank your child’s teachers, coaches and care providers. Encourage your youngster to do the same.

Again, make sure your child knows you appreciate them. Praise, noticing effort and accomplishment and kind words need to be part of the climate of the thankful home. Prayer remains a powerful vehicle for gratitude at this age.

Main Points to address:

• Counter outside influence by being deliberately appreciative.
• Create a “Thankfulness Tree” together.
• Use holidays as opportunities to show appreciation.
• Continue using praise, recognition, prayer, and kind words.

Grades 4-6th

Older school age children can begin to show appreciation in more tangible ways. It is important to foster the development of gratitude in order to keep your youngster’s heart open at a time when many around them are “shutting down” in this way.

A good extension of the family journal is to provide your child with a journal of their own. Writing out their thoughts and feelings is a wonderful way to express what they may find difficult to verbalize. Journaling requires time, thought and reflection and opens a doorway for appreciation that might not otherwise be opened.

Provide your older child their own stationary, including thank you notes. You may need to prompt them to send thank yous, but if they have seen you do this, they will feel quite grownup sending them. Show them how to be specific when expressing their gratitude.

Volunteering to work at an animal rescue or shelter, read to older folks at a nursing home, or participate in a community cleanup or food shelter can provide your child with opportunities to realize their own blessings and give back by being a blessing to others. This is one of the most powerful ways of teaching appreciation- by showing them appreciation has both receptive and expressive qualities.

Again, your own appreciation and how you show it will be the best teacher for your child. Know that how you view and respond to the world around you and the life you live will be the critical factor in opening your child’s heart to appreciation.

Main points to address:

• A personal journal provides a forum for thoughtful expression.
• Sending thank you notes is a grownup way to show gratitude.
• Volunteer activities can keep your child’s heart open and give them a chance to be a blessing to others.
• Your example is the most powerful teacher.

Resources

Resources that can help you in your venture include:

• The Gratitude Foundation: Family and global hands-on appreciation
  http://www.thegratitudefoundation.org/
• Gratitude Miracle: Inspirational and practical content
  http://gratitudemiracle.com/index.php
• Shining Light Kid’s Talk: Wonderful short article
  http://www.shininglightreading.com/kidstalknews/2007/03/finding-seeds-of-appreciation-and.html
• Kid’sBibs: Bibliography of books on thankfulness that includes some activities http://www.kidbibs.com/learningtips/lt28.htm

Being a good example is the most effective teaching tool, but taking the time to teach your child how to be a good guest will increase the chances of them behaving properly.

Basic manners always apply. Phrases like “please, thank you, excuse me and may I” can be taught as early as two or three. But learning manners is a gradual process. This means prioritizing and selecting one manner to focus on at a time. Being sensitive to developmental readiness and individual temperament will help you decide when and how to teach your child good visiting manners.

Preschool

Preschoolers are in learning-mode! Capitalize on your child’s willingness and ability to try and to learn new things by beginning to teach basic manners at this time.

Focus on polite phrases, modeling the civility you expect from your youngster. Praise your child when they greet you or another adult when entering a room, when asking permission to do something and when saying thank you. Most very young children can say “Hello” when meeting someone new.

By age 5 or 6 your child should be able to:

• Wash their hands before eating
• Stay seated when at the table
• Dictate and sign a thank-you note
• Greet adults properly and shake hands
• Pick up toys, clothes and playthings
• Ask where the bathroom is, flush, and wash their hands

Practicing each one of these graces ahead of time will increase the likelihood of remembering them when needed! Make it a game to practice going to a friend’s house for a visit. Take turns being the guest and the host. Practice really does make perfect.

Most preschoolers will have no problem being a good guest, as they will seldom be out of your care when visiting someone. If they goof up, and they will, correct them quietly and in private. Kids really can and do say the “darn’dest things”. Try to react calmly and take the incident as a learning opportunity.

Expect a gradual increase in manners as the years go on. Focus on one thing at a time. Be positive and loving as you correct and affirm. Eventually they will have the kind of manners and behavior that will make you proud and glad you taught them!

Main points to address:

• Kids 2 to 5 or 6 are able to learn basic manners. Focus on one thing at a time.
• Modeling good manners at home and during visits is your best teaching tool.
• React calmly to breaches of conduct. Correct in private.

Grades K- 3rd

Young school age children already know right from wrong in the larger sense, but they will still need to fine-tune their behavior as they mature. Because most kids this age love to visit friends and family, they will have many chances to practice proper guest behavior and be motivated to learn what that entails. Basically, children aged 6 to 9 should know these rules of etiquette:

• Say please, thank you, may I, and excuse me.
• Never enter a bedroom without being invited in.
• Never touch personal items without permission. This means the contents of drawers, cupboards, closets, desktops and vanities.
• Do not help yourself to food or drink. If hungry or thirsty, ask politely.
• If something is served that you don’t care for, say “No thank you.”
• Chew with your mouth closed, and do not talk, sing or whistle with food in your mouth.
• Ask before using the phone, the computer or any appliance.
• Respect bedtime and any other quiet time. Remember every family has their own rules.
• If you feel uncomfortable, or wish to go home, ask to call Mom or Dad.

Children this age may or may not be ready for overnight stays. Children become ready at different times. If your child is very shy, or if they have not incorporated basic visiting manners into their behavior, you may want to wait until they are ready before encouraging sleepovers.

There are many good storybooks that feature manners. Reading them with your child will make him or her more aware of the importance of good manners.

Main points to address:

• Children need to know what they should and should not do when visiting.
• Teaching your child ahead of time will maximize the chance of using good visiting manners.
• Enlist the help of the host or hostess in reinforcing whichever manner or rule you are currently working on.
• Over night stays need special instructions and practice.

Grades 4 – 6th

By this age children should be fairly good guests. But there is still more to learn. Issues of privacy and appropriateness arise at this age, making it necessary to address specific situations such as:

• Knock before entering the bathroom.
• Always ask permission to enter a room by saying, “May I come in?”
• Use a robe when out of bed and still in pajamas- even to go to the bathroom.
• If you make an unexpected mess, or accidentally break something, tell an adult as soon as it happens.
• When ready to leave the table, ask to be excused and clear your plate, glass and silverware.
• Ask if you can help set or clear the table, and if you can help with dishes.
• If you are not sure of a household rule, ask.
• Respect bedtime and the call for “lights out”.
• Pick up toys, games and other items used by putting them where they go.
• Be kind to pets and your host’s siblings.
• Send a thank you after the visit.

Your older child may enjoy reading an age-appropriate book on manners and being a good guest. If they are an older sibling, have them create a book of etiquette for their younger brother or sister. Before going on a visit, rehearse situations that may require newly acquired manners. Let your child know you believe in their ability to behave well and have fun at the same time.

Learning how to behave as a guest involves a set of social skills your child will use their whole life. Studies show that much of how a person is perceived hinges on the manners they do or do not possess. Equipping them to succeed in social situations will be among the most important teachings you will impart to your child. Focus on one manner at a time, keep your expectations high, use a kind and consistent approach and above all model the kind of behavior you are looking for. Good luck!

Main points to address:

• Issues of privacy and appropriateness must be specifically addressed.
• Being a good guest is an issue of respect.
• The social skills your child learns now will stick with them into adulthood.
• Keep high but realistic expectations.
• Practice desired behavior. Let your older child teach a younger child the basics of etiquette.

Resources

Resources that can help you in your venture include:

• Scholastic Parents: Storybooks that teach manners – http://www2.scholastic.com/browse/article.jsp?id=7912
• RudeBusters: Resources/directory for teaching manners- http://www.rudebusters.com/etikid.htm
• Youthonline: Manners 101 for kids – http://www.youthonline.ca/manners/index.shtml
• Family Education: Manners for kids (and parents) – http://life.familyeducation.com/manners-and-values/parenting/34452.html

The world can be a lonely place. Having someone close by that will look out for you and that you can do the same for is becoming more important than ever.

What does being a good neighbor mean? It does not mean being nosy. It doesn’t mean imposing, gossiping, or complaining. It means having a friendly and protective outlook on your community, whether a city of four million, a town of two thousand or a village of five hundred.

Teaching your child about being a good neighbor means taking responsibility for preparing the next generation to live peaceably in a sometimes scary world. If we don’t teach them, who will?

Preschool

Young children are part of their community and have a stake in developing good social skills. Being able to relate with those around us in a non-inflammatory way is basic to good human interaction. Teach your child to speak in a respectful and polite manner with everyone they encounter.

You relay a powerful message when you behave in a neighborly way. Children generally follow your lead. Waving “Hello”, and giving a simple greeting shows your openness to others. Stopping to exchange a few words when you are on a stroll or when you meet by chance at the grocery store will show your child that it is normal to take the time to acknowledge a neighbor.

If the opportunity arises, invite a neighbor and their little one over for a visit. It will give your child a chance to play and involve you both in the community you live in.

As you prepare your child for school, remember to let them get acquainted with some of the children they may ride the bus with or carpool with. It may help make the transition to school easier if he or she recognizes a neighbor.

Main points to address:

• Teach your child to communicate with respect and courtesy.
• You deliver a powerful message when you behave in a neighborly way.
• A play group may create ties to others in your community.
• Introduce your child to children their age as they prepare for school.

Grades K-3rd

Young school age children are usually outgoing and love to be with other children. Having other children living in your apartment house, on your street or down the road seems an open invitation to kids 6 to 9. Taking the time to seek out youngsters who will be kind, fun and safe playmates will involve getting to know your neighbors.

Children this age are very curious about the details of the lives of others. Teach them the difference between interest and being nosy. There are certain things you do not ask a neighbor about- their finances, family circumstances, and other private details. Monitoring visits at this age is important for this reason. They will also learn from watching and listening to you!

Teach your child to respect property boundaries. Playing in a neighbor’s yard or walking through it is not okay unless they have been invited to do so and have gained permission.

Noise can be a matter of contention, especially in apartment living. Have specific “quiet times” designated so that neighbors will not have to deal with loud music or jumping on their ceiling!

If a neighbor has a complaint about your child, make sure to calmly get the facts and problem-solve in a reasonable way. Neighbor relations are the same as any other relationship- periodic maintenance is required.

School is a great arena for learning how to interact with folks you have not necessarily chosen to be around. Basic consideration, thoughtfulness and manners go a long way toward coexisting peaceably.

If you have occasion to help a neighbor in need, you will be providing your child with an important life lesson. Reaching out to others will help your child know we are all connected to each other and that we are all responsible for making our little piece of the planet a happier and friendlier place.

Main points to address:

• Teach your child to respect property boundaries and the privacy of others.
• Designate set “quiet times” if you are an apartment dweller.
• Helping a neighbor in need will provide a valuable lesson about the concept of community.

Grade 4-6th

Older school age children will have developed polite manners and know how to behave appropriately with people they do not know well. The lessons in being a good neighbor will differ from those they learned when younger.

You may have to teach your child about gossiping. Engaging in discussion about others when they do not know all the facts, or when something is not their business invites trouble and can be cruel. Many neighbors have feuded over something that started as a careless comment. Let your child know that it is better not to say anything if they can’t say something nice!

Children this age need to be reminded to report anything to you that has occurred with a neighbor that has frightened them or made them uncomfortable. Trust their instincts- and your own. If you know or feel a neighbor is not a safe person for your child to be around, don’t be afraid to forbid interaction with that person. Not all neighbors are okay. You may want to check with authorities to see if there are any convicted sex offenders in your area.

If your family has a pet, take care to keep your pet out of the neighbors’ yards. Clean up their droppings and don’t let your dog disturb neighbors with barking. Cats can be a nuisance if they dig in other people’s flower beds.

Your child is old enough to participate in some kind of community service. Initiating a yard cleanup day for the older folks in your neighbor will teach your child the meaning of reaching out. Volunteering at a soup kitchen or animal shelter are other ways to help out. Teaching kids to use some of their time and talents for the good of the community will stick with them as they grow.

Looking out for others is one of the benefits of living in a friendly neighborhood. Letting neighbors know if something unusual has happened or volunteering to pick up the mail or the paper for them are little things that mean a lot.

Being a good neighbor is more than being considerate of the person across the hall or the family down the street. It means remembering that we are all connected and what one person does or doesn’t do affects all of us. Young people grow to be big people. Teaching your child about being a good neighbor now just might help the world to become a more positive place to live!

Main Points to Address:

• Help your child understand the cruelty of gossip.
• Keep the lines of communication open and trust your child’s instincts about a person or family.
• Pets need to be controlled and their droppings should be picked up.
• Give your child the experience of reaching out to others.

Resources
Resources that can help you in your venture include:

• Kids Korps: Kids Making a Difference – http://www.kidskorps.org/KidsCorner_Sportlight.asp
• Yes You Can: Love Your Neighbor: Tips for being a good neighbor -
  http://yesyoucanonline.info/Article/66/Index.htm?~=

Teaching your child to behave for the sitter will involve:

• Selecting the right caregiver
• Developing a good understanding and working relationship with the sitter
• Clearly communicating expectations and boundaries to your child
• Rewarding good behavior and having consequences for poor behavior

Each age and developmental stage has its own childcare challenges. Some of these tips may help!

Preschool

Very young babies may not realize you are gone. They may, however, refuse a bottle if breastfed, or become especially fussy at the new company or new surroundings. Many people prefer to have a sitter come to their home to minimize the stress a new environment may cause.

Older babies and toddlers can have great anxiety when you prepare to leave. Reassuring them that Mommy and Daddy always come back and leaving a favorite toy or blanket with them may help. The promise of a fun activity upon your return will sometimes appease them.

Very young children feel more comfortable with folks they know and have had interaction with. When hiring a babysitter, have them come for 2 or 3 visits so that your young child can become familiar with the sitter’s face, voice and smell. Playful interchange between them might help your child feel less threatened when left in the sitter’s care.

It is not reasonable to expect a very small child or baby to “behave” for the sitter, but you can praise them when things have gone well and let them know how proud you are of their good behavior.

One note: It is extremely important to carefully interview a potential sitter and to ask for at least 3 references. You may find it necessary to interview several until you find a good fit for your family. Never take chances with someone you have not thoroughly checked out. Take the time necessary to be sure of the person you are trusting to keep your child safe and happy. You may want to check out the interview questions from one of the sites listed in the Resource section below.

Main points to address:

• It may be better to have a sitter in your own home.
• Babies and young children will probably behave better if they have had a chance to become familiar with the sitter.
• Interview prospective babysitters carefully. Check their references.

Grades K-3rd

Young school age children are less likely to resist your leaving, but will need to know what kind of behavior is expected during your absence. Working with the babysitter to come up with a system that keeps everyone safe and happy will make time with the sitter more pleasant.

The same household rules you ordinarily follow should apply when you’re gone. Listening to the sitter, observing bedtimes, cleaning up after play and being kind to siblings or other children are basic guidelines that are easy to understand and remember. Remind them of these simple rules before you leave.

If your child will be at the sitter’s home, your child will need to know the rules and expectations in that setting. Always come to an agreement regarding consequences for misbehavior in advance of leaving your child with a new babysitter. You need to feel certain your child is in good hands and that you and the sitter have a clear working relationship.

One of the major causes of misbehaving for a sitter is boredom. Make sure your sitter knows you expect her to spend some time doing interesting and fun activities with your child. During the interview ask her what she does to keep children occupied. You can also provide a list of activities to do or games to play while you are gone.

Let your child know that you will be expecting a good report. Try to be upbeat about leaving. Come home by the time you have promised. If that is not possible, call to let the sitter and your child know you have been delayed. You may want to give a small reward for cooperative behavior upon your return.

Main points to address:

• Children 6 years and older may be quite willing to stay with a sitter they enjoy.
• Be very clear with your child and the sitter on the rules in your absence and the consequences of poor behavior.
• Good sitters know how to occupy children.
• Try to be upbeat when leaving. Expect a good report.

Grade 4-6th

Older children still need to be supervised by someone they feel safe with. Finding a good sitter could take some time. Hopefully you will find a sitter who is willing to interact with your child by reading to them and playing with them. Children this age are less likely to amuse themselves with toys, preferring human interaction.

Rules will need to be updated for this age group. Use of the phone, television, video games and the computer will need set limits. Guests in your absence should probably be prohibited. Leaving emergency numbers “just in case” is essential.

Older children should be expected to comply with a babysitter’s requests and to use courtesy when speaking with them. Misbehavior in terms of words or actions needs to have meaningful consequences.

Again, getting to know the sitter in advance will probably ease your child’s apprehensions about being left with them. It is very important to believe your child if they feel uneasy around the sitter or report any disturbing occurrences. You are the only thing that stands between your child and the world, so trust their instincts as well as your own.

If you need to leave your child for long periods, keep in touch by phone. Make sure they have enough to do. Board games, crafts and safe cooking activities can make the time pass more pleasantly. Bored children are not happy children and are apt to get into trouble!

Good child care can be hard to come by. Taking the time to find the right person and situation will reassure you and your child that all will be well until you return.

Main points to address:

• Rules need to be updated for older children.
• Misbehavior needs to have meaningful consequences.
• Believe your child. Trust their instincts, as well as your own.
• Prevent restlessness and boredom. Make sure your child has enough to do.

Resources
Resources that can help you in your venture include:

• Boys’ Town: Separation Anxiety – http://www.boystownpediatrics.org/ParentTips/anxiety.asp
• PBS: It’s My Life: Babysitting: Keeping Kids Happy (Great activities) – http://www.boystownpediatrics.org/ParentTips/anxiety.asp
• Safer Child: Questions to Ask a Prospective Caregiver/Babysitter – http://www.saferchild.org/askthe1.htm

One of the most meaningful principles of good human interaction is the “Golden Rule”. This is not a religious principle, but there is a version of this rule in most religious systems of the world. If followed consistently through life, upsets, conflict and bad luck will be minimized and harmony and good fortune will likely be maximized.

What exactly is the Golden Rule? Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. The Golden Rule is quite simply stated, but not so simple to follow. But if you teach your child early and are consistent with your expectations, they will grow to see the value of this simple rule.

Preschool

Children learn from the big people around them. Remember that your very young child is listening and observing you and others in their environment. If they witness kindness, patience, consideration and forgiveness they will learn this is how people behave with each other.

Not everyone your child meets is going to model the Golden Rule. Other young children and many adults can be thoughtless and hurtful to those in their immediate circle. Although you cannot protect your child from everything they hear, see and experience, you can affirm their perceptions by saying, “What they did was not nice, was it.” Just knowing that you share their hurt and confusion at mean or selfish acts will show that you are in agreement with what your child instinctively knows.

Children aged 18 months to 5 are very teachable. Take care to protect them from bullying or rude children and adults. Deal with your child’s disappointment and hurt by discussing what the offending person could have said or done. The object is not to create “self-righteousness” in your little one, but to acknowledge their natural knowing.

When your child is the one who is thoughtless or hurtful, you can address their mistake as just that. Learning involves making mistakes- and then learning from them. In order for your child to learn, you must be consistent with your correction, by 1) naming the wrong behavior and 2) giving them an alternative behavior for the next time they must make a similar choice. Many times your child will come up with a better way themselves.

Teaching your preschooler to say “I’m sorry” is extremely important. Healing words are often brief and to the point. Learning to seek forgiveness and to extend forgiveness is easier if your child sees and hears apologies and reconciliation.

Repetition and consistency are second only to modeling as effective teaching tools. Addressing poor behavior quickly and firmly but with empathy each time it occurs will help your child know right from wrong.

Main points to address:

• Children learn from those around them, for better or worse!
• Very young children are extremely teachable.
• Be consistent; use repetition and empathy when correcting.
• Name the offending behavior, then give an alternative.
• Teach forgiveness by being forgiving. “I’m sorry” goes a long way.

Grades K-3rd

When children reach school age, they have already developed a basic stance in regard to the Golden Rule. They are however not experts and will make mistakes. They will also be exposed to many kinds of children, some of whom may not know basic manners and who may have been with unkind or thoughtless caretakers. You will need to review and reinforce the simple principle of treating others the way you would like to be treated.

It is hard sometimes to not respond in kind when someone has hurt you. Teach your child to take a deep breath before reacting. Let them know that better choices happen if you take some “think time” before acting. You can practice this technique at home. Pretending to step on each others toes or give a fake insult will make you both laugh, but will still get the point across.

If you find your child is being picked on or hurt in some way with regularity, you need to step in on their behalf. Teaching kids to forgive does not mean letting hurtful or aggressive behavior against them continue. You are their advocate!

Family situations provide lots of material for practicing the Golden Rule! Disagreements between siblings can be troublesome. Helping your children find better solutions to their disagreements will give them both a way out of the situation. One object of the Golden Rule is to create and maintain harmony, but that is accomplished by right thought, words, and action. Help them know what “right” is.

Main points to address:

• School age children must deal with all kinds of people.
• Teach your child to use the Golden Rule, but also how to assert and defend themselves.
• Advocate for them if necessary.
• Practice the Golden Rule at home; use it as a standard for behavior.

Grades 4-6th

Older children will face more complicated choices and harder moral dilemmas. You will need to help them sort things out so that the real issues emerge. Listen to them with empathy and understanding. They will probably stumble upon a solution, or at least a clearer way to approach a problem if they can talk it out with you.

Let your child know that you believe in their ability to make good choices in hard situations. Convey the truth of the matter that we are all learning and that no one has gotten it totally right yet. Use humor sparingly or your child may think you are not taking their situation seriously. After talking things out, follow up later on their progress. You may often find that the problem that was so big yesterday has faded into the background today!

If your child seems to have a hard time holding their ground with others, you may want to try some esteem building activities. Some ideas: try using positive affirmations, learning martial arts or self-defense, or helping them focus on and develop one of their talents. The Golden Rule balances between meekness and boldness. Both are appropriate at given times.

When your child has been the offending party, considerate it a teachable moment! Correction with kindness, but firmness, should happen quickly, but in private. Explore alternative thoughts, words, and actions your child could use next time. The key will always be some form of this question: How would you like it if someone did (said, thought) that to you? By making it personal, you have appealed to your child’s innate ability to empathize. Keep in mind, the point is never to humiliate or shame, but to tap into his or her ability to see things from another’s perspective.

Your child will have many experiences in life that will test their adherence to the Golden Rule, but if you live it at home, model it, and expect your child to follow it, the Golden Rule will become part of your child’s emotional, moral and spiritual fiber.

Main points to address:

• Older children face more difficult challenges.
• If your child seems to always be on the receiving end of hurt try building self-esteem.
• When your child has been the offending party, correct with firmness, but kindness. Explore the alternatives together.
• Appeal to your child’s natural ability to empathize with others.

Resources
Resources that can help in your venture include:

• Rudebusters: Resources for Parents – http://www.rudebusters.com/etikid.htm
• Parenting Skills: Teaching Respect – Teach Your Child to Give Respect

Sincerity is the key to giving compliments. Voicing your favorable perception or reaction to someone or something is usually best simply stated. A true compliment comes from the giver’s heart and impacts the receiver’s heart. Compliments are often remembered long after they are spoken. They can lift, heal, and inspire great things.

Preschool

A baby shows her approval and delight with her whole body. Hearing Dad come through the door after work causes hard-to-miss excitement. Eyes are shining and face is beaming with wordless appreciation for Dad’s arrival.

As children grow, they begin to add words to their expression. If they hear loving, appreciative words they will begin to speak the language of appreciation. They will be accustomed to being complimented and eventually will begin giving compliments.

Toddlers are praised and encouraged for each new milestone. Parents and grandparents usually shower them with heartfelt compliments. As a child grows, they will begin to receive compliments from family, friends and strangers. They may react with shyness or even indifference. This is normal and part of the reason parents need to teach young children to receive compliments politely.

Preschoolers should never be forced to say “Thank you” after a compliment. Mom or Dad can say it for them if they have not begun to follow the modeling done by parents. Another option would be to smile or nod to the giver on your child’s behalf. Eventually children will thank the giver for the compliment. But that sometimes doesn’t happen until they are around 4 or 5 or even later.

Main points to address:

• Children who hear compliments will eventually begin to say “Thank you”.
• Never force a child to acknowledge a compliment.
• Normal shyness may prevent children from responding positively to compliments. It is okay to say it for them until they are a little older.

Grades K-3rd

Young school age children are ready to be taught to thank the giver of a compliment. Begin with family members, gently reminding your child to thank them. Saying perhaps, “This is when we say thank you.” Or you could try asking gently, “Would you like to say thank you for that nice compliment?” Again, there is no need to force. Suggesting is enough at this age.

When children are about 7 or 8 they become more aware of social conventions and rules of conduct. More explicit direction is possible now. Practicing or role playing manners is fun at this age. Role-playing giving and in turn receiving a compliment will be a pleasurable way to get the message across. Have your child direct you in an appropriate response to a compliment.

A fun activity to teach this social grace is to write scenarios on squares of paper then fold them and put them in a jar. Take turns picking them from the jar and playing them out, alternating being the giver and receiver. The more the merrier if you have more than one child! You will be surprised at the carryover into “real life”.

If you know you will be taking your child to an event where they are likely to be complimented, you may want to remind them of manners generally and accepting compliments specifically. Many adults, especially childless ones, are offended if a child does not respond positively to a compliment. Let your child know it is okay to simply smile if they feel uncomfortable speaking. Your child’s feelings should be respected.

On the other hand, a child should be corrected if they are rude when a compliment is given. Gently remind them in private that everyone has feelings and it is better to say nothing than say something unkind in return for a compliment.

Main points to address:

• School aged children can be taught how to receive and give compliments.
• Practice this by role playing.
• If your child is too shy to respond to a compliment, tell them it is okay to simply smile.
• Correct rudeness in private by suggesting a more positive response.

Grade 4-6th

Children 9 to 12 are very socially conscious. They enjoy receiving and giving compliments. Because they have watched and heard people interacting for a decade or so, they will probably follow the example and teaching you have given.

This is the age when your suggestions for appropriate responses to others will be well-received. Notice their successful encounters with others by noting the specific social grace they employed. Reflect back to them their sincerity or kind choice of words. Praise, as long as it is not overdone is a good reinforcement for positive behavior.

If you wait too long to teach your child to give and receive compliments, you may find they resist your teaching and advice.
Older adolescents and teens have built-in radar for insincerity and may not respond at all to a compliment if they doubt the giver’s motives!

If you have taught your child to respond to folks in a thoughtful and courteous way, giving and receiving compliments will become a natural way of responding to others. Just remember you may not see the true fruits of your instruction until they are grown. In the meantime, trust that you have done your job!

Main Points to Address:

• Children this age are receptive to instruction on social graces.
• Notice successful encounters with others by complimenting your child.
• Trust that your child has learned what you have taught even though there may not be much proof as yet!

Resources
Resources that can help you in your venture include:

• ComplimentDay.com: Activities (and lots more) on Compliments – http://www.complimentday.com/ActivitiesPage_Families.htm
• Rudebusters: Resources for Parents on Kid Etiquette – http://www.rudebusters.com/etikid.htm
• Disney Family Education: Teaching Your Toddler – http://life.familyeducation.com/manners-and-values/toddler/53389.html

Helping kids to recognize and understand their talents is primarily the job of parents and teachers. Children of course give us strong indications by what they love to do. If we pay attention to our child during play or when exploring nature, we will stumble upon their talents.

Does your 3 year old build tiny structures with trigs, or does he tap those twigs upon a stone to produce sound? Are twigs the object of great fascination when held up against the blue sky? Or when their layers are peeled off to see what’s inside? Observing your child’s preferences, communication style and response to their environment will give you an idea of their talent. Helping kids to understand their own gifts will mean reflecting back what you observe in them.

Preschool

Your very young child will be instinctively drawn to certain things. Some children respond to sound, some to sights. Some children need to handle everything they see, turning it over and around, perhaps trying to open it to see what’s inside! Watching your baby or toddler react to the world around them will give you a clue to their natural gifts and talents.

At this point in their development, preschoolers need to be exposed to a wide variety of stimuli. Time spent in nature will provide many opportunities for your child to explore the world- to see, hear, smell and handle things. Playtime with other children can give your child a chance to develop their social talents.

Mirror back your child’s interest in what is around them. Notice casually what they enjoy to do. If your youngster just loves to move whenever they hear music, they may have a musical bent, or perhaps it is dance. If they are fascinated by insects in the grass or the birds outside the window, you may be nurturing the next great scientific genius!

Main points to address:

• Notice what your child is drawn to. What they love will indicate their talents.
• Give your child a wide variety of experiences. Stimulate their senses.
• Mirror back your child’s interest in objects and activities.

Grades K-3rd

This age child is learning so quickly. They may have noticed talents in others. By pointing out specific skills in people they know or hold up as heroes you will be informing them of the nature of talent. If they notice that Superman was very strong yet kind to his mother, they will recognize both strength and compassion as important gifts.

Children will begin to want to actively exercise their gifts at this age. This makes it a good time to start music lessons, learn a language, learn to play a sport. Kids may need to try many things before they gravitate toward a set of skills that involve their own talent. Trial and error is a part of the process of discovering your talents.

Some children (and adults) tend to have very focused talents, even bordering on genius. The girl with the photographic memory and ability to calculate and use logarithms in her head is an example.

Others have a broad, but not as deep set of gifts in many areas. Most people fall into this last category. Studies on the brain show that these two types of people have very different brains. If this is true, then we are wired and programmed for certain gifts and talents and not necessarily for others.

This is not to say the scope of what we enjoy and can do is prescribed. We are all given a choice of how and to what extent we are going to use our talents. Helping our children explore the world in order to discover their talents and learn to use them is perhaps the greatest job we have as parents.

Main points to address:

• Kids may notice talents in others before they discover their own.
• Children are learning quickly, making this a good age to introduce new things to learn.
• Helping kids to discover and develop their talents is an important aspect of parenting.

Grade 4-6th

By this age most children are leaning toward one or more areas of interest. What they are growing to love will indicate their gifts.

Do what you can to satisfy their drive to learn more about what they are interested in. Going to the library, attending sporting events, volunteering to help out in the community play your child wants to be in are not expensive, and will serve to support and expand your child’s talents.

Children ages 9 to 12 must be constructively busy. If they are not engaged in something meaningful they are apt to become discouraged or depressed. All of us need to be doing something we love. Our self-esteem hinges in part on the knowledge and use of our natural talents.

If your child does not seem to show interest in any specific thing you may want to try some sort of community service. Some people, kids included, have the gift of service, which can go no where if there is no one to serve. Animal shelters, food pantries and community cleanup groups always need help. You might be surprised to see your child blossom when given the chance to truly help others.

If you feel that you may have a truly gifted child who has special needs in order to reach their potential, check out the many websites offering resources for parents of gifted children. You will have to monitor your child’s schooling to make sure they are getting everything they need.

Remember that every gift has value. We should never impose our own wishes on our children. They must develop according to their own bent. Helping them to develop their talents, even if it is not what we would have picked for them, is a great kindness and our duty as parents.

So if your daughter is clearly a gifted painter and she chooses to be a tattoo artist, honor her choice. If your son would rather coach soccer than play it, go with that too. Your loving acceptance of them just as they are is the best gift you can give.

Main Points to Address:

• Help them to develop their gifts by finding an outlet for them.
• Some gifts are social or humanitarian. Volunteering is a good way to develop these talents.
• Every gift has value. Accept your child the way he or she is.

Resources
Resources that can help you in your venture include:

• Amazing Kids e-zine: http://www.amazing-kids.org/ezine_24/ez.html
• Davidson Institute: Resources for Talent Development -
  http://www.ditd.org/?NavID=0_2

We take for granted that motivation is an inborn trait and that some folks are motivated and others aren’t! But naming a thing, teaching it explicitly, can help make the concept known to a child. Seeing motivation as the powerful tool it can be may help your child recognize it as one of their own inner drives.

In truth, all action is motivated by some inner need or thought. Helping your child to understand this will allow them to examine what motivates them and use it for constructive purposes.

Preschool

Very young children watch us and listen to us. Eventually they know that there are reasons for what we do. If it is cold, we may put on a sweater. If we are hungry, we eat. Many of our actions are motivated by our need to survive or be comfortable.

Other needs are clearly motivated by other factors. For example a hug is motivated by love or by fondness. Going to the park is motivated by the desire to have some fun! The observations kids make and the connections that happen as a result, cause kids learn about motivation.

Very young children often ask “Why?” Your explanations will help them understand the motivation behind actions and decisions. Thinking out loud when doing something or weighing the factors while making a decision is an everyday way to help them learn about motivation.

As they grow, you can help your child get in touch with what motivates them by listening closely and reflecting back what they say. Their wants and needs along with their reactions to events around them will be the indicators of what motivates them.

Main points to address:

• Very young children learn about motivation by watching and listening to us.
• Thinking out loud can help kids know the “whys” behind things.
• Listening to your child and reflecting back to them what they’ve said will help them become aware of what motivates them.

Grades K-3rd

Early school experiences will spark the motivation of your youngster. The excitement of a new environment, new people and new things to do will cause your child to be highly motivated. Curiosity is one of the major motivators at this age as they take in information about the world. Kids this age are also motivated by the need to connect and interact with others.

The need to please and be noticed- heard and seen- is strong at this age. Viewing behavior, both positive and negative from this perspective will help you and your child understand why they do what they do.

Motivation from fear can manifest in many ways: a reluctance to go to bed, refusal to get on the school bus, hesitancy to join activities in school. Understanding your child’s motivations will help them resolve their fears.

You can also help your child understand the puzzling behavior of others by exploring the possible reasons why people do what they do and say what they say. Keep such conversations light and without blame. The aim is to make your child aware of the motivations of others without criticizing or judging.

By this time, you will have a good idea of what motivates and inspires your child. Perhaps it is enthusiasm. Maybe it is ordering things around them. Or it could be their desire to be center stage. Motivate them by using their individual bent as a springboard. Children are always motivated when they are pursuing their interests or expressing their preferences.

Main points to address:

• The need to be seen and heard is strong at this age.
• Motivation stemming from fear can explain some negative behaviors.
• Recognizing and encouraging your child’s natural bent and gifts can motivate them to succeed.

Grades 4-6th

Children this age are actively discovering their natural gifts. Parents recognizing and supporting the development of these gifts, without pushing, are helping their child develop intrinsic motivation.

Experiencing success is highly motivating. A child who learns in a natural environment, employing their creativity is learning to take risks and try new things. Dealing with failure and persisting until successful motivates further exploration.

Listening to your child’s hopes and dreams without criticizing and without a great deal of input helps them experience and verbalize their own inner motivation. Kids at this age love to explore different possibilities and often fancy themselves as someone remarkable. This hope is a priceless element of motivation. All of us have the potential to impact the world in meaningful and positive ways.

Activities that touch the heart, mind and spirit of a child are motivating. Volunteering at an animal rescue, participating in a community cleanup, or reading to a lonely senior can spark compassion and creativity- both great motivators.

In group situations, a sense of community is essential to maintaining motivation. Having a shared purpose that dovetails with individual purpose or vision inspires positive action and shared responsibility.

Teach your child the power of thought over their lives. What you think determines what you become. Show them the connection your thoughts have with the words they speak. Older children have the capacity to see the relationship between positive thought and words to positive and productive action. Bringing this truth to conscious awareness will help them monitor their own thoughts and words.

Believe in your child’s ability to function as an independent and constructive person. Talk to them about why, or why not, you do or choose not to do something. Help them become competent in areas that turn them on, even if it is not what you would have picked. The confidence and satisfaction they will gain from being involved and successful in something meaningful to them will cause them to experience first hand what true motivation is.

Main points to address:

• Success at something of personal interest and meaning is motivating.
• Listen to your child’s hopes and dreams without criticizing.
• Activities that touch the mind, heart and spirit motivate repeat experiences.
• Teach your child the power of their thoughts and words.

Resources
Resources that can help you in your venture include:

• Motivation Tool Chest – http://www.motivation-tools.com/table_of_contents.htm
• Goal Setting for Kids – http://www.activityvillage.co.uk/goal_setting_for_kids.htm
• Teaching Kids the Power of Positive Thought – http://www.healthywealthynwise.com/article.asp?Article=5048
  

People procrastinate for many reasons. Not knowing where to start, how to break a job down into manageable parts, or how to prioritize can keep a child from even beginning a task or project. Young children do not yet have the experience that would help them plan their time and follow through to completion.

Teaching your child to get things done before they become urgent is part of helping them become a responsible and independent person. Learning to manage time and complete tasks starts early. It will take your vigilance and support during each stage of their development.

Preschool

Very young children can be convinced that anything is important or fun to do! Having enthusiasm for completing any task, whether it be getting dressed or getting into their car seat can be done more easily when Mom or Dad are smiling and eager to help perform the task. Making a game out of performing a job or using a timer are also fun ways to gain cooperation.

Toddlers and children 4 to 6 love ritual. Doing things that must be done in a certain order at a specified time will encourage compliance. Always picking up the toys before lunch or brushing teeth before bed will create rituals that will stick with your child as he grows.

Setting a timetable or agenda each morning with your child will prepare them for the day, letting them know what they can expect to do or complete each day. Reviewing the day before bed will give you both a sense of accomplishment.

Your youngster watches you to see what, when, how and why you do what you do. If you are in the habit of managing your time wisely and approaching tasks cheerfully, they will probably follow your example.

Main points to address:

• Young children will generally be more willing to perform tasks if you are enthusiastic.
• Create daily and weekly rituals and be consistent in performing them.
• Go over your agenda for the day. Each night review what you were able to complete and what you will do tomorrow.

Grades K-3rd

Young school age children really need to be able to start and complete tasks by a certain time and without complaint by the time they enter school. All children are different of course, so tasks will need to be tailored to their ability and developmental readiness.

Children 5-9 love to do new things. They are actively exploring the world and learning about cause and effect. This is a good time to introduce the use of a sticker or star chart listing desired outcomes such as making their bed daily, remembering to feed the dog and completing homework by a specified time. Perhaps a small reward could be given for having a successful week.

Your child may enjoy filling in important events or tasks on a calendar of their own. Learning to manage time using a visual prop is useful for people of all ages! Helping your youngster set a personal goal and identify steps to get there will be the beginning of an important organizational skill.

Again, your consistency with keeping a schedule will be the best example for your child. Watching you answer a letter promptly, pay bills when due, and complete daily and weekly tasks will show them that an orderly routine and environment is possible.

Main points to address:

• The use of a sticker chart for daily and weekly activities will provide positive reinforcement for responsible behavior.
• Children this age can use a calendar as a visual prop.
• Help your child break a personal goal into manageable steps.
• You remain their best example.

Grades 4-6th

Older children are fairly set in their disposition. Some may tend to be resistant to a regular routine and way of doing things, but most will be ready to take on more complex tasks willingly.

The use of a day planner can help your child. Help them create a “to do” list for each day, prioritize tasks and check off jobs as they are completed.

At this stage, kids are developing intrinsic rewards for their own success, but reinforcement, especially in the form of praise, is still meaningful and effective. A sincere remark such as, “I notice I did not have to remind you to change the hamster’s cage this week!” will encourage continued timeliness and independence.

Setting your child up for success is important. Do they have a desk or work area with a calendar, planner, cork board and pens? If they have set a goal to complete something, have you provided them with materials and made time in your schedule to help them? Eventually you will have to do less of this!

Last notes: Stay enthusiastic! Keep your expectations regarding procrastination reasonable. Guide your child for as long as seems wise, then gradually trust them to manage their own schedule and routine and to live with the consequences. The training you have provided will very likely carry over into adulthood.

Main points to address:

• A day planner and “to do” lists are helpful props.
• Continue using enthusiasm and positive reinforcement.
• Set your child up for success- they still need your involvement.

Resources
Resources that can help you in your venture include:

• Help Your Child Beat Procrastination – http://life.familyeducation.com/behavioral-problems/responsibilities/36530.html
• Great kid’s book: See You Later Procrastinator by P. Espeland and E. Verdick – http://www.amazon.com/Later-Procrastinator-Done-Laugh-Learn/dp/1575422786
• PBS Kids: Time Management Articles and Activities for Kids – http://pbskids.org/itsmylife/school/time/article2.html